Dianna M. Náñez
Seattle PI
September 26, 2007
City Council Seat Election Heats Up, 9/26/2007
Seattle District Attorney Dan Satterberg had been running unopposed since the announcement of the special election for Steven Webber’s vacant seat. Last night in a surprise move, Police Chief Alan Gilderoy announced his intention to run for office. “The last ten years have been difficult for this city, but I think we can do better. We need to do better.”
The committee to elect Dan Satterberg had no comment at this time.
Homeless Man Arrested for Prank with Firearms, 9/17/2007
Late Saturday evening, Jack Danton, 43, was arrested for possession of firearms without a permit, masquerading as a police officer, and possession of illegal narcotics. Police arrived on the scene after Danton started firing his gun at random. Seattle Police issued the following statement. “Mr. Danton was arrested for being a danger to the public interest. We’re looking into his story that a rich guy gave him money to pretend to shoot a cowboy and that he didn’t know that there were blanks in the gun.”
Police insiders have revealed that Mr. Danton was allegedly intoxicated and had consumed several illogical narcotics.
Homeless advocate Jillian Westernson issued the following statement. “This is appalling. The wealthy in this city think that they can do anything. First there was the so called Bum Fights. Now this! We have to put an end to this!”
Rats Nailed to Door of Trinity Episcopal Church 9/24/2007
Early Wednesday morning, Reverend Paul Collins arrived at the Trinity Episcopal to prepare for a clothing donation drive. He was shocked to discover thirteen vivisected rats nailed to the front door of the Trinity Episcopal Church. “I was mortified and disgusted. This was a hate crime, pure and simple. I knew that the Darwinists would get angry over my speech about Creationism last week, but I had no idea that they would go this far.”
Pop Star Dizzy J. Thorn Arrested Again, 9/27/2007
As her famous song goes, Oops!..She Did It Again. Pop Star Dizzy J. Thorn was arrested Thursday for starting a fight at Capital Hill nightclub Neighbors. An anonymous source claims that Thorn started a fight after three drag queens lip-synched to her song, mocking her and implying that her latest plastic surgery had gone poorly. Thorn took off her shoes and proceeded to pummel the drag queen. It took three bouncers to pull her away. “Damn! That girl must really be taking tae-bo and Pilates seriously! That Queen was two hundred pounds and she laid him out!”
Thorn surrendered herself to police for an arrangement. Attorney Darrin Miller had no comment at this time.
