[You can download a copy of this with wonderful pictures at http://simianpublishing.com/LARP/SeattlePI_10042007.doc]
Dianna M. Náñez
Seattle PI
October 04, 2007
City Council Special Election Landslide Predicted, 10/02/2007
Seattle PI polls predict a landside victory for District Attorney Dan Satterberg against opponent Police Chief Alan Gilderoy for the open City Council office. Political insiders have speculated that the allegations of police brutality and corruption have damaged Gilderoy’s campaign. Satterberg showed a surprisingly increase in the polls attributes to new campaign donations, hiring of new staff, and support from local businessmen.
Volunteer Stricken with Illness, 10/03/2007
Efforts to clean up the image of White Center have taken a deadly blow. Early Tuesday morning, Thomas Williams, part of a volunteer effort, collapsed while cleaning up trash and debris behind the Salvadorian Bakery. He began to complain of feeling feverish to other workers. Then nausea, headaches and back pain set in. Lead coordinator, Teresa Martinez was quick to act and rushed Williams to a nearby hospital.
“Everything had been going great until then.” Martinez stated, “We really love White Center and want to see it revitalized. Tom is a hard worker. We would love to see more volunteers come out to replace him.”
Several people have already come forward to help step up the cleaning efforts.
Hanta Virus Discovered in White Center, 10/04/2007
A White Center clean-up crew volunteer who was rushed to the emergency room at Virginia Mason yesterday is unfortunately not alone in his ailment. Three more volunteers were admitted later that afternoon. After extensive testing it was confirmed all four patients have contracted the Hanta Virus.
The Hanta Virus is caused by contact with rodent feces, urine and saliva. Usually it is acquired by cleaning areas that have been inhabited by rodents, thus stirring up the virus. This explains why only the clean up crews have been affected. Local residents are encouraged to stay away from rodent sources until professional pest control units can take care of the problem.
If you have been a part of this clean up effort we recommend you immediately seek medical attention. The Hanta Virus can be extremely deadly if not treated in the early stages.
Body Stolen from Exhibit 10/01/2007
Monday morning, one of the exhibits from the recently arrived BODIES the Exhibition was discovered. Seattle Museum Security and local police are baffled at how the exhibit was taken from the museum. Museum curator Debbie Stanton commented. “These exhibits are important to medical professionals, archeologists and other scientists because they show us what the human body looks like inside. People donated their bodies to science for just this purpose. It’s ghastly!”
BODIES the Exhibition uses real human bodies that have been preserved so they do not decay. A human specimen is first preserved according to standard mortuary science. The specimen is then dissected to show whatever it is that someone wants to display. Once dissected, the specimen is immersed in acetone, which eliminates all body water. The specimen is then placed in a large bath of silicone, or polymer, and sealed in a vacuum chamber. Under vacuum, acetone leaves the body in the form of gas and the polymer replaces it, entering each cell and body tissue. A catalyst is then applied to the specimen, hardening it and completing the process.
A police spokesperson commented that they were diligently looking for suspects and that they believe the body will be recovered shortly.
For more information about, BODIES the Exhibition, please see their website at http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html
Pop Star Dizzy J. Thorn Given a Second Chance at EMP, 10/05/2007
Pop Star Dizzy J. Thorn is set to perform a make-up concert this Friday.
Judge Thompson ordered that Thorn not leave King County for sixty days and completion of her rehab on Monday. Thorn swore that she would give back to the community. Attorney Darrin Miller commented, “Dizzy wants to get back to her roots. She performing a make-up concert and donating all of the proceeds to Street Links!”
Viral Marketing Campaign Causing Stir 10/4/2007
Dozens of spray painted graffiti billboards featuring a cowboy named Doc posed for a homoerotic encounter have swept across the city. No one seems to know who commissioned the signs. Mayor Greg Nickles has promised that the company that commissioned the stunt will be fined. Columnist Dan Savage issued a press release stating that “I think that it is very bold for companies to start going after Gay and Lesbian dollars like that. Now I just want to know who Mr. Cam is so I can be ridden too…”
Anti-Gang Unit Strike Team Praised by Gilderoy 10/4/2007
Police Chief Alan Gilderoy publically supported the anti-gang unit known as the Strike Team and the team leader Mac Victor in a press conference. “Mr. Victor and his Strike Team have played a large role in securing the safety of this city. Five years ago, you couldn’t walk down town at night without a gang hassling you. Now the city is much safer. Crime is down in the downtown area 40% from five years ago. I believe the numbers speak for themselves and I believe that the current allegations are politically motivated in nature.”
Body Found in Puget Sound, 10/04/2007
An unidentified woman, age 19, was found floating in the Puget Sound by fishermen. “She must have jumped off a ship somewhere. I can’t figure how else she would have gotten this far out.”
Police are investigating the indecent and have confirmed that there are signs of homicide. “We can’t release the identity of the woman until we find her family, which may pose a problem.”
National Inquisitor
October 04, 2007
National Inquisitor Announces Batboy Loves Chanel #4 10/1/2007
Rumors indicate that our beloved Batboy has moved to Seattle and loves Chanel #4. We’ve been tracking Batboy for years while others have denied that the truth is out there and among us. We’ve uncovered photographic evidence that Batboy was spotted stealing a bottle of Chanel #4. Is there a Mrs. Batboy in the making?
